There are four types of people in this world:
- People that value themselves too much and don’t care about others. (This belief breeds selfishness and narcissism.)
- People that don’t value anyone, not even themselves. (This attitude can manifest itself in a constant angered state of being and a spirit of dissatisfaction.)
- The (healthy and correct) people that value those around them and themselves. (This type of person will both show respect to others and demand respect for themselves.)
- Then there are those that value everyone else, but see themselves as nothing.
The last person is who I want to take a closer look at.
Why? Because I used to be that person.
I didn’t realize it, I didn’t consciously know that’s how I felt. But it was unhealthy and affected every area of my life.
But once I realized that’s how I viewed myself, I was able to begin the healing process.
I began to see that I was valuable and that belief changed my life.
God showed me my value. And the ways He deemed me as valuable were things that people could not take away from me nor argue against.
I knew in my mind that I was valuable to Him but had never fully accepted it in my heart.
But one day that all changed.
Because I changed.
Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:18-19
The Person I Used To Be
I have always loved people.
I have always thought of myself as a fighter for those that were struggling.
I would cheer on the underdog, uplift those that were discouraged or failing, be present for someone that needed a friend, stand up for those who were being bullied, be a leader for those who were scared, and put others before myself….always.
I NEVER put myself first.
If anything, I tried not to think about myself.
I would push through my own problems alone. I would erase my traumas from my memory and conveniently act like they never happened. I put on a strong face and a tough attitude so as not to appear weak. I would be confident so people didn’t know how horribly I was struggling.
To a degree that was me as a person. My personality that I was born with or grew into due to practice, environment and life events.
But deep down, it was also an act. An act to protect me against people seeing the real me or hurting me in my weakness.
I was presenting the type of person I wanted people to see, the type of person I thought they would like most and I didn’t even realize it.
It came from a place of insecurity.
At the time, I felt my value as an individual was based on how valuable I was to others.
Through my own experience and the way I viewed the world (not always correctly; depended on the person and environment I was in), I saw a few things that gave lasting impressions.
- No one wants to hear about your problems, you’ll be seen as whiny and a party pooper.
- No one wants to be around a shy person. You will make them feel uncomfortable or they’ll find you boring and not want to hang out with you.
- No one thinks your trauma is special. Everyone has them so suck it up buttercup. Or worse yet, don’t tell anyone because we don’t want to rock the boat and show people we aren’t perfect.
- No one likes a weak person. They will always be picked last, left first, and forgotten by tomorrow.
“You are an inconvenience to everyone around you.”
…were the thoughts in my head.
My young mind was learning what it took to survive in life and it helped create me.
I learned that in order to survive I had to become indestructible and fierce. I could never show my troubles because they could be used against me and hurt me later on.
Now don’t get me wrong. Of course, there are other factors that helped create me as I am. Many of them are good and wonderful! Ones that helped me positively have these same character traits but for different reasons.
But I want to focus on the negative side of these traits because they were also important, and are rarely talked about.
And the fact that I didn’t realize they helped influence me shocked me when I realized it. We must embrace the good reasons and work through the bad.
We must have both sides to be whole.
Reasons Why We Don’t Value Ourselves
And I am not alone in this world. There are many people who have thought the same way or experienced the same feelings. People that believe they have no value.
But again, why?
Why do people feel this way?
I believe there are 9 key reasons for the feeling of insignificance, but also that there may be many others.
1.) The world beats you down.
When we are born our life is a clean slate, ready to be written on and created into something.
But we are not the only ones writing on the slate. Everyone we meet will have a chance to write on the slate and we do not control what they write and how they treat our slate.
All we can do is watch, hope, and trust that they will treat us kindly.
And many times our slate is hurt. Either through words, someone wrote on the slate, or actions towards the slate. Through the wear and tear of weathered trials and the environment our slate is placed in. Or even how we view our slate.
Do we believe what has been written? Do we see the flaws of our slate as something less than desirable? Did your slate lose value or did you stop placing value on your slate?
Did you take care of your slate and erase the things that were not true? Or take the time to re-stain and polish your slate? Or did you let the words and actions of others define what you were?
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
2.) You hate yourself.
Do you not like who you are? Are you dissatisfied with where you are in life and what you spend your time doing? Do you not enjoy the life that you are leading?
When I became a mom I slowly began to hate myself. I used to be vibrant and energetic and fun. Now I felt like I had become boring, tired, and mundane. I was no longer who I wanted to be.
Nor was I who I wished to be. I wanted to be a caring and loving mom that would never get upset or yell. I wanted to have the house spotless all the time and cook super healthy meals. I wanted to have a deep relationship with my kids.
What I didn’t realize was just how hard life was going to be.
Being a stay-at-home mom didn’t mean all I did was take care of my little family. I had other responsibilities too! Church, extended family, kids, friends, husband’s job, kids, dentist, doctor, sickness, kids, house breaking apart, cleaning house, grocery shopping…did I mention kids?
Because everything would have been 10x easier without the kids, but then that was my job wasn’t it?
I worked all day long but my house was never clean. I cooked the healthiest meals and my kids wouldn’t eat them. I would be kind and calm but when my child spilled their drink for the 8th time in one meal I nearly blew my top. And I couldn’t wait till bedtime just to get away from them!
I was going insane from the craziness of my life.
I had changed into someone I wouldn’t have been friends with. I began to resent my life and family and it was showing outwardly. I began to feel trapped in a world that I couldn’t remove myself from and thought this was my lot in life. It had made me hopeless and apathetic.
I hated myself. I hated my life. But I wanted to love it, because I loved them. But I also wanted to feel like myself again.
I had to have my eyes opened to different issues and problems that were robbing my joy. But that is a different blog post for a different time.
(spoiler alert: It was me that needed to change.)
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
Psalm 34:18
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
3.) You compare yourself to others.
Going along with hating yourself, you become discontent in your own life and envious of others.
Do you wish you had their amazing house? Do you wish your kids behaved better like theirs? Do you wish your spouse was more hands-on or emotionally available? Do you wish that there was less stress outside your home so you could better focus on your life? Do you wish you were as good-looking as they are?
There are so many ways to compare our lives to others.
But know this, everything you believe about them could be wrong. And everything you believe about yourself could be false as well.
When we hate ourselves and wish to be someone else we are admitting and believing they have value and we do not. That is a lie that you will have to see and work yourself out of to find the truth.
4.) You have experienced rejection.
At some point in time, everyone will experience rejection. Did your parent walk out on you as a child? Did your crush laugh about the prospect of dating you? Did every job you applied for turn you down? Did you get made fun of by the other kids in school because you were different?
Some rejection is made by immature people. Some are made by people who are just trying to hurt you. And some rejection comes from people that are supposed to love you but had something going on in their own lives and left you hanging.
Or maybe it’s not an experience of rejection that has made you not value yourself. Maybe you are one of those people that fear rejection…so you don’t make friends. You don’t try hard at anything or put yourself out there so you won’t be rejected.
Or maybe you reject others before they can reject and hurt you. You would rather cause them pain than be the one in pain. You are not valuing yourself as an individual, one worthy of adventure and love, and unknown joy.
You are letting your fear dictate who you are.
You are letting your fear dictate how valuable you can become to someone else, even yourself.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Psalm 27:10
Then the Lord will take care of me.
5.) You are not in the proper environment for your personality.
We are all unique. We have our own abilities, mind, and emotions. We can all be similar but none of us are exactly alike.
So there is no “one size fits all.”
If we place ourselves in a school, city, company, career, neighborhood, etc… that does not work for who we are, then it will in time cause a strain on our soul.
When I was young I struggled in a large school. Not academically but socially. I had no friends, I was shy and easy to make fun of. I was getting swallowed alive and it was beginning to show.
But as soon as my parents sent me to a smaller school I began to improve. I needed to feel safe at school. I needed teachers that knew what was going on. I needed to make friends with people and have an environment that lifted me up and didn’t press me down.
And I became a completely different person.
We were not all made to have one type of environment. We were not all created to do one type of job. We were not all chosen to have the same personality.
That was not how God created the world.
God loves variety. God loves change. God made our personalities.
We were made to be us. And we can either foster who we are or force ourselves to fit the mold.
Does that mean we are perfect? No. We are all sinners needing God’s guidance to spiritual morality and we are all needing to learn how to respect others.
But believing you are infallible is different than being in the wrong environment for your personality.
“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
6.) Someone told you you have no value.
Words hurt us down to the core of our souls. To hear the words,
“I wish you were never born.”
“You’re always bothering me, leave me alone! You’re such a nuisance”
“Can’t you ever do anything right?”
“I hate you and everyone else does too! If you disappeared we wouldn’t even notice.”
These words are not as straightforward as, “You mean nothing to me.” but they insinuate that sentiment. They are giving the impression to the person on the receiving end that they are not worth your time, energy, or relationship.
And if a person does not see your value through their eyes then you will begin to believe you don’t have value. Because if you did have value, wouldn’t they say it? And if you’re not worthy of their time are you worthy of anyone’s time? Are you worthy of friendship, love, or even life itself?
We can really harm a person with our words.
Or maybe it’s not words, but actions. Maybe they ignore what you are saying because they’re busy. Maybe they go and hide in their room or on their phone because they don’t want to be with you, but don’t have the courage to work through the problem.
Maybe they leave you altogether and cut you out of their life. They don’t want any part of you.
They believe you do not add value to them.
7.) No one told you, “you have value.”
We all desire affirmation. Affirmation that we are good people. That we are cute. That we are smart.
We even want someone to affirm that we have value. If we are never positively, absolutely affirmed of our value then we might believe it in our mind, but we have doubts in our heart.
Did they never tell you how much they loved you? They never said how thankful they were to have you in their life. They never hung out with you just because they liked to be with you? They never took part in your hobbies or listened as you talked about your favorite topics of interest.
They never had a deep relationship with you.
Maybe they just took care of you physically, as a good parent, spouse or teacher should. But they forgot about you emotionally.
Or maybe they didn’t help you walk through adolescence and go from a kid to a teen to an adult. They didn’t help in that process of understanding the world and yourself. For the most part, they let you raise yourself.
Or they promised to be there for you always, but when it got hard they retreated.
How will we see our worth as an individual, if we are not taught to? Or how will we believe in our worth if we are not treated as valuable?
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
8.) You are under an oppressive person.
Oppressive people come in all shapes, sizes, and relationships.
It could be siblings, parents, teachers, friends, acquaintances, HOAs, employers, government officials, spiritual leaders, etc…
Anyone that is of a higher rank than you are.
What makes these people oppressive can be a certain personality trait that they allow to run wild without the self-control of God’s spirit. Or maybe it’s not a personality as much as a person that is deeply stressed, scared, or overworked. Or even a person that has not dealt with past trauma in their life and is unconsciously continuing the cycle of trauma.
These types of people can exert control over an individual and push down any freedom or growth they might have. They push them into a corner and dare them to leave it. Oppressive people can be violent, domineering, and vengeful.
Oppression occurs whenever one person exercises authority or power in an unfair, abusive, cruel, or needlessly controlling way.
They are not people simply looking out for others. They are not just giving advice on what is best for them or helping guide them to success.
They will stomp out your soul. They do not see the value you add to their life. They only see someone to control.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
I Corinthians 13:4-7
9.) You believe Satan’s lies.
Satan wants us to believe we have no value. People that feel they are victims or worthless or without abilities are very easy to control. And that is what He is all about. Controlling you to the end.
But controlling us to do what?
I believe it is to hurt others, to deny God, to carry out his own desires, and to make God have as much sorrow as possible. Sorrow of His creation hating Him. Sorrow of His image doing cruel and unthinkable things to each other. Sorrow of knowing many will live without Him forever because they choose to.
Satan is the king of lies. He will tell you anything that you are willing to hear and act on. He is making you useless because of His lies.
A broken soul is an easy target. A broken soul cannot fix itself if it is blind to its cracks and leaks. We must remove the blinders that Satan puts on our eyes and see who we are through God’s eyes.
This is the only way we can have value, a value that no one on earth can take away.
Why I Am Valuable
When I realized I saw myself as less than and as I began to search and understand why I felt this way, I became broken in my Spirit.
The façade I had created shattered before my eyes. My identity and foundation of who I was had crumbled in my hands.
Who was I?
And God reminded me, “You are my child, whom I love with all that I am.”
I remembered the wondrous works that He had done for someone as lowly as me.
- He had created me in His own image. I looked like Him and He like me. I was more valuable to Him than the rest of His creation because I was created differently from them all.
- He was there in my darkest moments. He took me from the mire and clay of the world and guided me in the right way. He never left me alone. He never forsook me.
- He saw my life as more valuable than His own because He gave His very own son to the world to be tortured and killed for me. Jesus died for me so that I might have a better future. I was worthy in His eyes.
- He has valued me as His child and He is my father. He mentors me, He guides me, and He has fellowship with me. He asked me to come to His family because He wanted me.
He saw my value.
He saw me.
And His love does not just extend to me, but to the whole world! These deeds and love that He shared with me are for everyone!
He will lift us back up when the world beats us down.
He will love you when you hate yourself.
He will never compare you with someone else because He made you different on purpose.
He will never reject you if you are coming to Him.
He will bring you to where you should be, where you will flourish and grow.
He will tell you how valuable you are to Him every day.
He has no desire to oppress you, He doesn’t have to because He already controls the world.
He doesn’t want you to believe Satan’s lies but to see the truth. The truth is that He loves you because you are valuable to Him and worthy of His saving grace.
All we have to do is to ask Him for it. (Romans 5:8)(James 4:8)(Romans 10:13)
Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
Luke 12:6-7
