INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

When people think of the word intimacy, most of their minds will immediately go to sex.

Sex equates intimacy.

But is that the only way to express and engage in intimacy? Aren’t there any other types of intimacy that we could partake in that would help us have a successful relationship and marriage? Well, let’s ask this question. Do people that have lots of sex have a perfect relationship with each other and succeed in building a life together?

Not if that’s all they do. Relationships based on sex will never have depth.

Good and frequent sex is not the key to marriage. It is greatly encouraged, but if you are going into a marriage or relationship based on the sex you both have together, your union will eventually deteriorate into nothing. You have only accomplished an act of love, but that is not what will get you through the trials and hardships every couple faces.

God did not decide that intimacy meant sex. That was our human minds that made that connection. That was listening to people who were trying to create new meaning and purpose behind what God created for us.

God never uses the word intimate or intimacy in the KJV Bible. But that does not mean that He doesn’t give us little tidbits of advice and wisdom on how to have intimacy in marriage.

He has not defined what intimacy is and I believe that is for good reason. God knows that everyone has different needs and different desires for intimacy. This is a gray area in the Bible that He gave us to decide how we want to be intimate in our marriage.

But there is one common factor that every marriage needs to have. We must be unified as a couple.

A marriage that brings lifelong happiness to both parties is a marriage that is unified.

This means that it is a marriage without division. Division happens when there are 2 visions that are being strived for. They are not cooperating, they are not respecting the other person. They are choosing to make their own story and work towards their own desires.

But as Jesus said, “if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.”(Mark 3:25)

A marriage built with differing values, dreams, and faith will fail. Someday it will end and everyone within that house will be hurt in the process.

It is crucial to work on creating intimacy in all areas of life to avoid division.

There are 5 types of intimacy that will help us build a better marriage and life. I want to encourage you to look at your own marriage as you read through the 5 types of intimacy. Where are you lacking? Why are you lacking in that area? How can you deepen your intimacy?

Are you willing to do the work to have intimacy that will make your marriage unfading?

The 5 Types of Intimacy in Marriage

1.) Spiritual Intimacy

This type of intimacy is first because I believe it is the most important.

Every type of intimacy will give you the closeness you desire, but this one will keep you together even if all the others have failed.

If your spouse is not good at talking about their emotions, if your spouse is rarely at home due to work, if your spouse has been maimed and can’t have sex, if your lover became your spouse with an insane amount of debt attached to them, or if your spouse isn’t a fan of being touched, these reasons will all hurt your intimacy.

But if we have spiritual intimacy, it will give us the fullness and closeness that we need to stay together, even if the others are lacking. It will satiate our soul with something more binding than physical or emotional intimacy, our love for God.

God is the glue that can keep even the worst marriages together and create them into something remarkable.

To be spiritually intimate is to be connected in our faith. Our relationship with God is alive. It is not stagnant and lukewarm. It lights a fire in our soul and this fire blazes brighter when combined with another fire.

To keep our fire burning bright we must pray to God and tell him all our frustrations and thanksgiving. We must listen to God and read the words He has given us through the mouths of men in the Bible. (This can be done separately and then have a discussion together or you do all of it as one.) We must serve God in His church and those that He brings into our life.

BUt what if we are struggling with spiritual intimacy? What if our spouse does not desire to be intimate in this way?

And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:3-5

• Look in the mirror
  • There is only one person you can change in this world, and that is you. And to be honest, it is not our job to change our spouse, that is God’s job. Stop looking at the ways they need to change. Look at yourself first.
  • When we genuinely and veraciously look in the mirror, we will not just see the beauty that we possess. We will also see the imperfections that God points out to us. We recognize them for what they are and decide to make an effort to remove the repulsive parts of our life. We work on becoming unblemished before we look at the faults of our spouse.
  • Once we are sure that we are right with God and have made an effort to change our flesh, then we can look at our spouse. Then we can discuss the areas that might be harming the family or keeping your marriage from strengthening.

• Leave it to God.
  • (I Corinthians 7:12-16) God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes He might allow our marriage to end in divorce. Sometimes He might allow our marriage to become something greater than we ever thought possible. Either way, it is in His hands. He knows your spouse’s heart the same way He knows your heart. Trust Him with your marriage. Do what you can to have your eyes on Him for everything.
  • If we try to take the reins and change them ourselves we will be met with resilience. No one wants to be told that they are wrong or a bad person. Even if they believe it they don’t want to give the satisfaction of admitting you are right. Let God move their hearts and prick their spirits. Take the back seat and watch what great things God can do.

But in the end for spiritual intimacy to be achieved we must be working together. Eventually, our spouse should be doing the same. Because if we are both striving to be better people and more perfect like Christ, then how can we falter?

If we are both having a personal relationship with God and talking about our spiritual passions with our spouse, how can we fail?

We are building upon a solid foundation. We will be wanting the same things, making the same decisions based on invariable, God-given principles. We will be looking at the world through the same lens.

Our emotions will not sway us when God’s Word holds us firm. We will be better people because we know a greater God. And a better person becomes a great spouse. Especially one that you share the same values with.

This will come in handy down the road with every decision that you make. Especially when children enter the picture.

To learn how to have a closer spiritual intimacy, click here.

Can two walk together, except they be agreed?

Amos 3:3

2.) Emotional Intimacy

Each person is emotionally different. Our past experiences, the families that we grew up in, and the values that we were taught all lead to us having different dominating emotions and ways we handle these emotions.

Understand that your spouse is not you, and there is nothing wrong with them, just as there is nothing wrong with you. Realize that each person has a different model for how to handle their emotions and have been taught a right and wrong way to express emotions that might not be the same as yours.

We must be longsuffering with each other. We must be compassionate to each other as we learn how to live together and create our own home. We must ponder what type of home life we want to create and work hard to change ourselves to achieve that goal.

Some people might be lacking in this intimacy due to lack of practice, encourage them that you are a safe place for them. Some people might hide behind their emotions, see the smokescreen and look past it. Find the real person within.

In order to have emotional intimacy we must:

• Be willing to be “naked”.
  • Our emotions are the core of who we are. They are our memories. They are our vulnerabilities. They are our souls. If you trust your spouse then be willing to give them all of you. That includes your emotions. Be honest and open about how you really feel.
• Understand your emotions before you have them.
  • Sometimes we lash out in anger when we are actually sad. Sometimes we cry when we are avoiding an apology. Sometimes we act uninterested when we are expecting a response from our spouse that we don’t feel like dealing with. Don’t react with emotion until you understand what you’re feeling and why you are feeling that way. Think it through. Then once you understand what you are actually feeling/thinking you can more beneficially communicate this to your spouse.
• Be honest and open about what you need.
  • It is up to you to be truthful with your spouse, and with yourself. If you don’t like something then say so. If you are being passive just to be “kind” then you are only hurting your relationship. This will eventually lead to resentment and resentment will corrode your marriage till it has completely broken away.
  • Don’t expect your spouse to know what you’re thinking. They are not mind readers. You have to clearly tell them and say it when you have their full attention. It is not fair to talk to your spouse when they are busy doing something else and then get mad when they don’t remember. It is hard to focus while doing 3 things at once. Multitasking takes life in one ear and out the other. Get their eyes to lock with yours and then tell them. If it is important then it should be focused upon.
• Listen to what your spouse needs.
  • What your spouse needs might be the complete opposite of what you need and that’s ok. But this contrast might lead to arguments. But that is healthy. That is two completely different people fighting for a marriage that they want but remember to do it respectfully and gently, yet firmly. As long as we come back together, we are winning. We must learn how to change, compromise, and submit to each other in love.
• Come to your spouse for everything.
  • Your spouse should now be your best friend and family. We can still go to friends, family, and coworkers for advice, but anything important should be brought up to your spouse.
  • Don’t gossip and complain about your spouse to other people. You are just hurting your marriage and backstabbing the one you love. It’s ok to be frustrated with them, but don’t look to people for sympathy. If your spouse is bothering you talk to them. Deal with the problem and try to reconcile.
  • Cry on their shoulder, ponder with them in church, dream about the future with them, and get excited about your passions in front of them. They are the person you chose to spend a life with.

Emotional intimacy can only be reached in its rawest form. We must become a safe place for our spouse to show their vulnerabilites just like our spouse needs to become ours. Love is emotional. True love values the person with the emotions.

To learn more about how to have emotional intimacy, click here.

3.) Physical Intimacy

Now you must be thinking, ah ha! We are finally talking about sex! And you are right. But if you are only touching and getting physical during sex then you are missing out.

We should be having physical touch as much as we are together. Caressing your fingers through their hair while cuddling and watching a movie. Holding their face in the palms of your hands and looking deeply into their eyes as you say something important or comforting. Giving hugs and kisses just because you can. Pushing them off and rolling around to get away as they try to tickle you. Slapping them in the butt while the kids aren’t paying attention. Sitting close to each other while reading with your hand on their lap.

There are so many ways to have that physical connection without having sex. And it is during these moments that you are creating a “foreplay” for sex. The flirting, the teasing, and the look of love in your eye is all saying something. If you don’t have these moments then your sex feels like nothing more than a hookup or one-night stand. But if you are constantly touching your spouse throughout the day then it makes you more ready and in tune with each other when it comes to sex.

Sex will sometimes feel awkward and planned if we don’t do other touches. It will feel like we only connect physically for a short time instead of the entirety of life. It will be missing something special that only the other touches can give. Only then is your sex on a whole different level.

There are some interesting truths that I have learned about sex from my own marriage:

• Sex gets better and better with time.
  • I have noticed that with each child I’ve had the sex has become more phenomenal than the last. I really couldn’t tell you why that is. I do believe that a huge reason is that my husband has seen every moment of me and still loved me. The smoking hot skinny woman full of life. The eccentric woman that never gives up and keeps going till the job is done. The person staring at the mirror with self-conscious frustration. The unknown territory of bloating, vomiting, and stretch marks. The length of hurt and discomfort during pregnancy. The terror of possible death at labor. The depressed and confused wife with each new child. The lost woman trying to figure our their new normal. The one looking to Jesus and changing our family tree. He has seen every beautiful and ugly side of me and still said, “I love you.”
  • We have become masters of our spouse. We know what really gets them going or what’s a huge turnoff. We will know them physically more than anyone else in the world. The best sex is honest and vulnerable. The sex of growing old with one person.

• The times when I least desired to have sex were the times I had the most amazing sex.
  • I don’t believe that a person should always have sex whenever their spouse asks, just as I don’t believe we should always say no when we don’t feel like it. But if we waited to always be in the mood we would reject each other all the time and constantly say no.
  • We should say yes because we want to, but sometimes we should say yes because we love them. There have been a couple of times when I have really wanted to tell my husband no because I was sick or hurting. At times, it is a no. But other times I let out a sigh, look at his face, and just let him do his thing. And I can honestly say I have never regretted saying yes when I wanted to say no. I don’t know if God was giving me an extra blessing for being self-sacrificing or if that intimate connection was what I truly needed and I didn’t realize it. Either way, it’s been worth it.

• Sex is better for both parties when you love yourself as much as your spouse loves you.
  • Stop judging yourself. Stop hating who you are. If only I didn’t have fat there, if only I looked hotter in this outfit, if only I wasn’t awkward with being sexy, or if only I was as beautiful as everyone else. These thoughts will lead us to be scared of sex or reject our spouse’s advances because of this fear. Your body language reacts to your thoughts. You are both worth more than judging yourself by someone else’s standards. God gave you your genetics and medical problems. We can always work on ourselves but it should be because we want to not, not because we feel we have to.
  • We gain self-confidence when we know we have value. And everyone is valuable and worth being loved whether they believe it or not. When we know our spouse loves us no matter what we also begin to feel it ourselves. We don’t care so much about what WE see in the mirror because our spouse’s vision and thoughts are different than ours. We can feel confident in lingerie and pounce on them with kisses because we know we will not be rejected.

To learn more about physical intimacy, click here.

4.) Financial Intimacy

Why is it that people vow to love their spouse, but refuse to share their money?

They promise to give them their heart and soul, but not their wallet.

Do you believe your spouse will cheat on you with an affair, gambling or other addictions? Do you believe your spouse will take all the money and leave you penniless? Do you believe your spouse is going to be careless and frivolous with the money?

I understand that there might be reasons to keep your money to yourself. If you do not feel safe in your marriage or you believe your spouse/their family might be gold diggers, for example. But this is not typically the case. And if it is for you, then again, money is not the problem.

These problems are not money issues. They are sin issues and should be addressed or your marriage will not be a blessing.

But when you say the words, “I do”, you are giving every part of you, and that includes your money.

You are not just creating a life together, you are building it together as well. It is not just dreaming and sharing, it is also working hard and investing everything you have AS ONE.

Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.

Romans 13:8

If you are still being individuals with your finances, then you are not building together. You are not communicating or imagining a vision for the future.

One person lays the foundation and the other puts up the walls without looking at the foundation. Then each person adds more and more to the house without looking at the others work. The house that they are creating is chaotic. It has no plan. It has no functionality. It is nothing more than a hot mess of wasted materials.

But if we talk it through and show our plans and agree on the process and time, then it will be grand. Then we will progress steadily and move forward slowly, but surely. We will be doing it together. We will be aware of every step we take and we will keep each other accountable to the plan.

Is it important for you to travel when you’re old? Then you need to plan a savings account. Is it important for you to retire on time? Then you might need to plan a 401K. Do you need to be less stressed? Then stop going into debt.

Habits need to change and personalities might need tweaking. We might have to learn self-control. We might have to start telling ourselves, or our friends/family, no. We might have to start planning for the future and not YOLO.

We need to decide together what is important to our marriage and build upon that. And what better way to build then combine our finances together and trust our spouses?

To learn more about how to have financial intimacy, click here.

5.) Day-to-Day Intimacy

This intimacy is why marriages that are friendships work together so well. If you don’t marry someone you enjoy being with then you are missing out on the day-to day intimacy.

This intimacy is the normal and average life of a couple, the less glamorous side of marriage. What the couple spends their time doing together.

This might be helping each other buy food in the grocery store. This might be fixing together a car that broke down. This might be working together on your boring, mundane chores that have to be done. This might be counseling your children and teaching them how to be better people.

This might be watching a cringey chickflick that your spouse absolutely adores. This might be going to an air show for the 15th time to see the same planes again. This might be sitting on the porch watching the sunset. This will be spending time together, doing things that you don’t care about, but your spouse loves. And you are willing to do them because you love your spouse more than you love your alone time.

Day-to-day intimacy is finding hobbies that you can do together. Vacations that you can plan together. You are creating experiences in common with one another. You are creating memories that only you two remember. Even your children will not have the same memories or experiences that you two have on the same trip.

It is embracing the person that you have chosen to be with. It is finding comfort in their touch and words. It is becoming familiar with who they are as a person, to which no one else will be an expert about them like you will. It is finding love in someone that you have smiled towards, fought with, laughed at, and cried in front of.

This person becomes your life. Your lives are so intertwined and connected that you have reached the point of not wanting to live without the other.

I believe this intimacy is lost on so many in our culture. Many couples create their own little worlds that their spouses aren’t allowed in. Instead of enjoying our individuality, we are trying to escape and become someone completely new and different.

And although it is important to have alone time and other people we hang out with, make sure there is a good balance. When we see other people and do other things, ou passion and thoughts should be brought back to our spouse. Let them see the excited you. Let them hear your amazing stories and findings. Let them enjoy falling in love with you all over again from day-to-day.

Many people call this recreational intimacy, but I believe it is more than doing activities together. It is also the boring days together and the relaxing moments of life. It is the plain ol’ you.

In Conclusion

While reading this blog, have you been truthful about your own marriage?

Did you remember to take note of areas you and your spouse are lacking in? Did you gain knowledge on how to deepen your intimacy? Is there work that must be done in your marriage? Are you willing to do your part?

If you are the same person you were 5 years ago then you are not living life correctly. We are meant to change. We are meant to grow in wisdom and perception. We are meant to become something new. Become new in your marriage.

Increased intimacy is learned through trial and error. It is not going to happen over night and it is not going to be easy. Our intimacy in these 5 areas will give us a marriage that cannot be destroyed by others. It will give us a marriage we love and praise.

Intimacy is found together: together in God, together in emotions, together in physical touch, together in finances and together in day-to-day. Choose to be together. Choose to be vulnerable.

A marriage without intimacy is not a marriage at all. It is a partnership that you wish you could get out of. Create a marriage that you love through continuous intimacy. If you ask God for help, He will hear your prayers and He will bless the faithful.

 Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.

Mark 11:24