When we are young and starry-eyed, we often think about how exciting our life will be when we “get older.” Everything is magical. Everything is full of bright colors and happy feelings. We have hope, we have dreams, and we have faith that life will happen the way we want it to.
But then reality hits. We get older and our fantasy is ripped apart and we are left confused, not knowing what went wrong. We blame ourselves, thinking we could have done something to prevent it from becoming sour.
The problem with our culture is, when we are young, we are often lied to.
Hollywood tells us that when you fall in love you can easily live happily ever after. Or they give us the wrong picture of what a good relationship looks like. They portray “loving relationships” that are, in reality, toxic and harmful.
They feed us ideas and morals that are in direct opposition to what God deems as necessary and correct. Their goal is to make money and let’s be honest, they do it by giving people what they want. Entertainment to forget their sorrows, a fantasy to feel alive, and feelings that are not our own.
But it’s not just movies that have lied to us.
Our parents have too.
Some parents have a bad marriage and refuse to work on it, therefore, showing their children that a bad marriage is normal. A spouse stays with an abusive spouse, teaching their children how to treat their future spouse and that this is what love looks like. A father or mother neglects their children, leaving them to wonder what they’ve done wrong to not be wanted. Or you have the opposite where parents love their children more than each other and put their needs first, thus changing their marriage to nothing more than a partnership.
I could go on forever about all of the possible scenarios that lead to an unfortunate end. Everyone has their own story.
However, I believe social media has lied to us most prevalently.
You can take a snapshot of a single moment and everyone will think you have an amazing life. You can show what you want people to see and leave out all of the ugly, weak, and vulnerable parts. All you need to do is fake it and they will never know. They will not see you crying in your bathroom. They will not know that your spouse and you barely speak or hang out. They will not see your house as a complete disaster.
You have played the game, now you just have to keep the lie going. Because if you tell the truth then the illusion is shattered. Reality kills the “perfect life” you’ve created. Without it, you will lose the admiration of your peers. You will be seen for who you truly are: broken, scared, and mortal. And who wants that to be their image?
But we are all the same.
When did we become so afraid to be seen as imperfect? When did we all feel that we can’t show our true selves emotionally? That we must hide the pain through a smile or the hurt through an angry response? When have we stopped trying to better ourselves and our lives?
Stop being complacent. Stop working so hard just to get through the day and feeling like you have to be stuck at this moment.
We control our mindset, we control our desires. We need to stop the fight for survival and do some soul-searching. What needs to change? What can we add or get rid of? What brings us joy?
When I got married and had kids I didn’t realize that it would change so many areas of my life. It not only helped me grow stronger in certain areas, but it also showed me where I was lacking or had the wrong mindset.
I had never been so stretched in character and body. At times, I felt like I would break and was barely holding on. And I was not a wimpy or lazy person! I was a strong, confident woman already so it goes to show that it can be hard for EVERYONE.
And I didn’t even have a bad marriage! I had a good marriage, but things would not be said. We would hold in our true feelings because we didn’t want to hurt the other person or we just thought they are who they are. To have a great marriage, we must not settle. We must both expect more out of ourselves and be honest with our spouses. We must do it together.
I believe that if you are married, a good marriage is the most important thing you could do to have a successful life. This blog post is about what I wish someone had shared with me early on in my marriage. What it truly meant to become one after the wedding.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife:
and they shall be one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
The Meaning of Marriage
Most people look at this verse and think that it is just talking about the intimate act of sex between two people producing a child in the end. This child is then the two becoming one flesh. And although I do believe that is something the verse is saying, I don’t think it is the whole meaning behind the phrase.
When a couple starts out they are two individuals with different families and backgrounds. They have had different memories, upbringings, conversations, friends, teachings, failures, desires, and plans. So when they find the one person they can’t live without and want to share their time, energy, and life with, it might not always come together easily.
You can never make two distinct people become the same thing. That is like asking water and oil to become one. Have you ever put water and oil together? They are floating next to each other but they will never intermix. A marriage is like that. It is not about us forcing the other to become like us. Instead, it is learning how to create a life with someone different than us and bring out the best in each other.
Many times people marry opposites of themselves. You know the saying, opposites attract. They are attracted to all of the personality traits and quirks that make their to-be spouse different than them. They love that about their soulmate.
But once married, that love turns to hate. Why? Why does it suddenly change? Were you blind to it because of love? Is your new spouse actually wrong and a horrible person to be with?
No. At least not most of the time.
You just didn’t have their traits or quirks affect you so personally before. Your spouse didn’t leave their hair all over your bathroom before marriage. They didn’t fart in bed with you as you cuddled. They didn’t buy something you don’t want and bring it into YOUR house. Everything before was either yours or theirs. Now you have to share everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Home, bed, personal space, holidays, vacations, and so much more.
As we are raised, typically, we are given the freedom to decide for ourselves and dream big. Your life was your own. You were given the choice of what career you wanted to have or who you wanted to become. Your parents invested a ton of time and money in helping you improve as a person. Your life was about you. Your time was yours. Your room had all of your stuff in it. You thought about your future.
Once married that all changed. You are now moving forward in life with someone else. And you have a choice. You can either drag them along on your adventure and not care about theirs. You can be swept away by their adventure and lose yourself. Or you both can decide to put the other first. Hold hands and take each step together, completely in sync and in harmony. Not acting on your own thoughts and opinions, but instead having deep and hard conversations that create a conclusion we both agree on.
But this takes an effort from both sides. We must leave our past and work on our present so we can have a combined future full of joy. Because if we don’t do the first two, the latter will never happen.
So that leads to the questions, what are we to leave behind, and who are we to become in our present?
What Are We Leaving Behind?
When a person buys an old home and wants to remodel it to fit their family’s needs, they first must demolish it. They take out what they don’t like or the unuseable and disgusting parts. They make sure there are no hazards that could bring harm to their family. They bring the house down to its bare bones.
They will leave the home’s foundation and frame up and make sure they are solidly built before adding onto it. If either of these are weak or in poor condition, it doesn’t matter how nice quality, or amazing products you add to it, it will fall.
We are the same as these homes. We all have parts about ourselves that we don’t like or issues that we might not have worked through and are still having an effect on us today. Maybe we have parts of ourselves that we didn’t realize would be a hazard to our relationship.
You don’t know until you see it. But to see it we must also be looking for it. We must take the time to look in the mirror and judge ourselves truthfully. Is my anger really something that I should be holding on to? Is my lack of self-control a good thing for my family?
Are these learned behaviors from our childhood influences? Are these personality traits that have gone unchecked and unbalanced? Or do I not care to work on myself?
The first thing we must leave behind is the “Me First” Mentality.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
I Corinthians 13:4-7
We do not insist on our own way. We are not selfish. Marriage changes your direction in life. If you don’t want to change your future goals or be flexible in the timing of your plans then DON’T GET MARRIED! It will only lead to resentment of your spouse and children. It will cause heartache and will end in divorce.
Once you are married, you are no longer single. You cannot just quit your job because you feel like it. You cannot spontaneously go on a girl’s vacation in the Caribbean. Now you have to think of how this will affect your spouse as well. You have to talk about it with them first and make sure it doesn’t hurt or hinder the life you have together.
If you don’t want to have your life joined with someone else then don’t get married. You don’t have to be married. Choose what is the most important to you and then lead your life based on that.
Need to travel first? Take a year and do that. Need to get further in your career? Work really hard and do it as quickly as you can. Need time to be alone and have privacy? Enjoy singlehood first. You don’t have to be married by a certain age or time. It is better to come into marriage ready to be one than to get married and hate your spouse for changing your life. It is not their fault, that is what marriage does.
For me, I loved the boyfriend that I had been dating since 10th grade. My greatest desire was to marry him and start a family while we were young. I knew I wanted to be a Biblical Counselor with a focus on marriage someday. And I knew that I needed to experience marriage before I could counsel people with experience and personal knowledge under my belt. I wanted to be a wife and mother first and then pursue my dream when I had accomplished my greatest desire. So after college, I got married right away and two years later, God blessed us with children. That was my decision.
But not everyone’s decision will look the same.
However, once married, the choice has been made. You have decided to bond yourself to your spouse. Now it is not just about what you want. You must find the future that you and your spouse want and live your life and base your daily decisions on that future.
But if you have someone you want to marry and you are not willing to bring your lives together then you should stay single. Live your life the way you want to, and when you are ready to become one in goals and desires, then get together.
If we do not get rid of a “Me First” mentality we will never have a great marriage. Marriage takes self-sacrifice, hard work, and constant evolution of mind, heart, and soul. It also takes a lot of saying I’m sorry, forgiveness when wronged, and trying to be better as an individual.
A “Me First” marriage is not a marriage at all. Because marriage is coming together and becoming one.
The second thing we must leave behind is our family.
Ephesians 5:31 tells us again that we are to leave father and mother and cleave to our spouse and become one flesh. There are 4 ways, I believe, we must leave our family once married:
- Leave the home. Where you lived as a child was your parent’s house. It was their place of dominance and authority. To no longer be a child and to now be an adult, you must have your own house. A place where you are in charge. A place where it is you that makes the decisions and has the final say. You are no longer depending on your parents. You are now doing the work yourself and creating the life that you want as a married couple. Leaving the home will help you mature, be more relaxed sexually, and will give you that place of comfort away from opinions and judgment.
- Leave the counsel. You have heard your parent’s counsel and wisdom for a long time now. But once you are married you are working with your spouse and it is your spouse that you must talk with. Mommy doesn’t get to guilt trip you or make you feel better about yourself when you are having a marital argument. Daddy doesn’t get to tell your husband it’s his way or the highway. They now have no say in what you do. They had their time, you were under their roof. Now it is up to you to agree with their lifestyle and embrace their methods and beliefs or you must find your own. I am not saying we can never ask our parents for advice. That would be foolish. We should always look to those with more experience and wisdom to help. I am saying that your marriage is not you, your spouse, and your parent (or sibling or friend). Marriage with more than two people will cause a division between the couple and will be damaged in the long run. Talk to each other. Work it out together. Make decisions together.
- Leave the traditions. As a child and young adult, you would go home to be with your family for every holiday, no matter where you were. Now you have three families to be with: his, hers, and yours. And if you go to church put those services and special activities in the mix. If you try to please everybody and be there for everyone you will get burnt out and end the holiday frustrated and exhausted. I know from experience. It is not a moral issue to be with family every Christmas. You are not going against God if you decide to stay home with your family for Thanksgiving. Once you have your own family, even your immediate family becomes an extended family. Because once married your immediate family is your spouse and children. You will now create your own traditions and memories. You might decide to keep some of your childhood traditions or switch off and on visiting family on holidays throughout the years. Either way, it was your choice and you did not submit to family or societal pressure to do it. With this mentality, you will be happier to go and enjoy it more.
- Leave the family unit. You are not your parent’s therapist, you are not their retirement plan. You are not under their authority anymore. You are your own. Their problems are not your job to fix. Their character flaws are not yours to mend. They are adults. They have made their choices. You must let them live with their decisions. I am not saying we can’t love them and be there to support them. But you should never try to become the parent in the relationship. That is not your job. You are the daughter or the son. Act like it. If your parents are bad with money, don’t give them yours. It will not bless them. If your parents are constantly fighting, don’t get in middle of it. You cannot mend it. You have left all of that behind. You must focus on your own family and your own marriage. If we work too hard on our loved ones, our own life will suffer. Only when we are solid and strong can we help others. Don’t let your family suffer because of someone outside of your control.
When you enter marriage you are no longer devoted to your parents and previous family. Your new devotion is to your spouse and your children. They always come first, then you add others.
Who Are We To Become In Our Present?
It is not enough to simply join together and end it there. Eventually, you will become stagnant and bored. We must strengthen our relationship and increase the value that we add to that relationship. We must figure out who we want to be and the example we want to set for our children. We must purposefully decide what characteristics are important to our family.
We must have family values.
For example, in my family, my husband and I have decided that there are certain qualities that are important to us. Here are a couple we hold in high regard:
- Honesty- There is to be no lying or half-truths in our home. To be able to trust someone and take their word for it is very important to us. Without trust, our relationship is unstable.
- Commitment-We are family. We are committed to each other. Family comes before friends and entertainment. We are willing to give of ourselves and commit to each other. We will not look for affection and love from the outside. We will work on the problems we have so we can have love and affection from the people we have decided to devote ourselves to. It is wrong for anyone to separate the two that have become one. (Matthew 19:6)
- Faith- We believe in God. We believe that what the Bible says is the truth. It affects every part of our life and the decisions that we make. We teach it to our children because it is important to us and we want them to be blessed, just as we have been, by a good relationship with God.
- Respect- My husband respects me and I respect him. Our children respect us and they respect each other. We will not call each other mean names. We will not treat each other unkindly. We each have our worth. We admire and have affection for each other and try to be people worthy of respect.
There are quite a few more but I’ll have to save those for a different day. The point is we know who we want to be as a family. And when you know who you want to be you can figure out how to become that person. Once you know how to become that person, future decisions are easy. Make the decision that will help you stay true to your values.
Because we have these family values, as a spouse, I do not have to wonder or be nervous that my husband is having an affair. Because he is honest, I trust him and know that he would tell me if something happened. Because he is committed to our family I know he wouldn’t do it because it would destroy our family. Because we are people of faith, he knows that it is against God’s commands to have an intimate relationship with anyone other than me. And because he respects me, he knows that I am worth more than being stabbed in the back.
We must be willing to give up everything we have.
- Possesions
There is nothing you own that is solely yours. The house, the kids, the cars, the furniture…everything is the family’s now. My children have broken so many of my favorite childhood toys and beautiful antiques…in the end they are just things. I have had to sell some furniture and clothes to help provide money for my family…they are worth it. They are more important to me than my stuff. What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
- Money
This also means that the money you make is your spouse’s and the money they make is yours. You combine it to take care of your family together. It is no longer your money and my money, it is ours. A healthy marriage doesn’t hold anything back.
Some people might want to combine bank accounts so they can “check up on their spouse” and make sure they are not doing something they don’t know about. Although this is a wrong motive, a healthy marriage allows the other to be their partner in everything. We are giving up our privacy. We are asking for accountability. We should not constantly track our spouses. But we should willingly give up the right of separation. When you hold back one part of you, there will undoubtedly be other parts that you separate as well. A marriage built on separation is not a marriage, you can’t be one when you act like two.
The only time I would ever say to not put money together is if your spouse is abusive, has spending problems, is a constant cheater or refuses to give you any of their money. There are deeper and more pressing issues that need to be addressed before giving away your only means to escape, especially if you have children.
- Authority (I Corinthians 11:3)
In marriage we stand together under the authority of God. We are to submit ourselves to the principles God has laid out for us in life. One principle that God says is that the husband is head over the wife and that the wife is to submit to him.
Is God saying that the man makes all the decisions and the wife has to blindly obey everything he says because, you know, he’s in charge? No. That is not what God is saying. God has given man the sole responsibility to lead his family towards God. It is his job to spiritually lead and be the example we should follow.
They are to love their wives as they love themselves. To treat them as they would their own bodies. To serve and protect them. God tells us to put on love (both the husband and wife). The godly love that He shows to us, we should show to each other. Because it is through His unconditional love that we are bound together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:14)
If the husband is not doing his responsibility correctly, he is not obeying God. If he is forcing or manipulating submission from his wife, it is he that is in the wrong. There are many husbands that misuse their authority. And just as the wife is under the husband, the husband is under Christ. Christ will be the one to punish his disobedience to his commands. He will be held accountable for his sin.
In the marriage we are still a team. No one is greater than the other. No one person has a stronger voice or the ultimate rule over everyone else. God has just given us different roles to play. The man is to lead the family. The wife is to submit to the man.
The reason it is so hard to come to terms with this is because of the first sin. God said Eve would try to control and lead her husband. “Desiring God” has a very good article that better explains the authority between a wife and husband. If you would like to read more, click here.
- Our Bodies
God gets very personal and specific with what we give up to our spouse. He says in I Corinthians 7:4 that even our bodies are not our own. My body belongs to my husband just as his body belongs to me. We can no longer give it to another, for it is not our own. We are to take care of ours and to worry about and cherish theirs. It is not ours to be insecure about or to hold back.
They should love you as they love themselves. They should understand if you need to have some space and willingly wait until you are ready. But we should also think of their needs and make ourselves better quicker so we can give them our bodies again. Know what your spouse needs and be willing to give it to them, even at the sacrifice of yourself. (And yes, I mean this to go both ways.)
Whether you have children or not, the moment you have sex, you are forever connected with this person. They will now always be a part of your life, your intimacy, your memories and, at that moment, your desire. Be willing to work hard and think twice before throwing it away. We must go through the difficult times before we can enjoy the benefits. A love worked on and held tight will become your most precious possession.
A Marriage Undaunted, Is A Marriage With God
As I mentioned before a husband and wife are like oil and water. They never mix together so they must have something to bind them together as one. God is that binding. He is what keeps us from separating and going our own way. When life gets hard, sometimes, it is only because of Him that we don’t throw in the towel.
Did you know that if you were to put flour mixed in with oil and water, it becomes flatbread when cooked? God is our flour. He gives our life a new shape and look. God makes our life have purpose, He makes it come together and become something we could have never done by ourselves.
I know this is a pretty stupid analogy, but it works. God is the most important part, He is what we should base our life in. A marriage with God, is a marriage as one.
