Have you ever been through a natural disaster? Have you ever seen videos of what happens to the world during a hurricane or earthquake? The world is in complete chaos.
If you were stuck outside during a tornado, you would be in a moment where you have no control over what is happening. The wind is trying to rip you off your feet. The trees are promising to crush you if they break. Home materials, outdoor toys, and every sort of debris you can imagine are coming your way to cause you harm. Your body is actively tense, your mind is laser-focused to the point of exhaustion, your emotions become panicked, and there is no end in sight.
You are stuck in the chaos.
At that moment, you are alone. At that moment, there is no future past the present.
You are simply surviving. But is it enough? How long can you last in this state of body and mind? Eventually, your body will collapse. You will give up and succumb to whatever end comes your way.
I have been to this point in my life, not due to a natural disaster, but through motherhood. I stayed through my own chaos for 5 years until I finally found the place of rest I so badly desired. The calm in the storm. I found peace in the chaos.
My Unrelenting Chaos
When I first became a mom I knew exactly who I wanted to be. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, to love and protect my kids as much as I could and not depend on a stranger to do that. I wanted to be the one to teach them to walk. I wanted to read them stories and teach them about life. I wanted to tell them about Jesus. I wanted to always be available when they needed me, to always put my family first.
Oh, how little did I realize what that truly meant.
Throughout those 5 years and 3 kids later I lost things that I didn’t think were possible. I felt things I never desired to display to my kids. I was not who I wanted to be, nor who I thought I would become.
I was angry. I was frustrated. I loved my children dearly but their childish behavior was driving me crazy. I felt used and abused. They would jump on me, scream all day and throw things everywhere. This was not what I saw in movies. This was not the glorious picture people told me motherhood was like.
I spent every waking minute taking care of someone else. I barely got to sleep because of nightly bad dreams and nursing every 2 hours. I couldn’t lose weight because my PCOS(a physical ailment) resisted it. I never stopped cleaning, yet my house was never clean. I never did anything for myself yet my children acted like I never played with them. I was doing everything I could to survive and yet I felt like I was on the brink of drowning. I felt like the storm was never going to stop, and I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out.
The Chaos Called Life
Sometime in our life, we will all face these feelings. I can guarantee you that life is not fair and something is waiting behind every corner to bring us to our knees. And it doesn’t matter what gender, age, nationality, or how much money you have; we all experience chaos in different forms.
Maybe you have a toxic work environment that continuously pounds on your soul. Maybe you have an insane amount of schoolwork and bad grades, no matter how much time you pour into it. Maybe you have parents that want nothing to do with you and you have to raise yourself.
Whatever the chaos might be, they are all the same. They all take a large amount of your time, put your emotions on edge, and wear on your body, soul, and mind. They have you stuck in a never-ending loop.
Don’t fear it, don’t allow yourself to succumb to it. You must want better for your life and not stay where you are just because you feel there is no other way. God does not want you to be in a life full of confusion and chaos. It says in I Corinthians 14:33 that God is not the author of confusion, but of peace.
So if our life is full of chaos, how can we possibly be in God’s will? That is not what He gives us, nor what He desires for us to have. And how can we have God’s blessing if we are not in His will? He understands life has busy times and that life is hard, but that does not mean we can’t find peace.
He calls us to the peace that He freely gives. Colossians 3:15 says, “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.” He is not only telling us that our calling is to be in peace, but that we should also be thankful for it. Accept the peace and draw nigh to it.
We do not have to stay panicked when a storm is raging. We can find solace.
But how? How do we find His peace in the turbulence?
My Breaking Point
There were so many things that lead me to my breaking point I could literally write a book.
- I was lonely from not seeing adults and having my first child not speak well until she was 4.
- I was emotionally drained from refereeing fights, dealing with temper tantrums and trying to be everything to everybody.
- I was physically exhausted from not sleeping longer than 3 hours at a time every night, doing everything at my home by myself and having days on end where my husband wouldn’t be around due to work.
- I was jealous of those who seemed like they had the perfect family and chaotic free lives.
- I was depressed because I began to feel no better than a maid in my own home.
- I was so frustrated with my children because I worked so hard to teach them right from wrong and poured so much love on them yet we had the same problems over and over and over again
- I was tired of hearing peoples opinions on my life. Seeing them judge and stare at my overly hyper children while their perfect angels sat still. To know they were thinking I was a bad mom when they obviously had no idea what I was going through.
- I was sick of living with food on the walls and toys everywhere.
- Constant guilt, constant exhaustion, constant trying so hard to be the best mom in the world, constant looking for an outlet to have peace so I could take care of myself and not become a monster.
I had lost my identity, I had lost my spiritual walks and talks with God. I wanted to do them but there were so many other things that had to take priority, you know like bathing my kids. Sound familiar to anyone? These are just a few but I’m sure they hit home with many people.
During the 4th year of being a mother, I began to listen to a lot of Dave Ramsey and John Delony videos on youtube. My favorite time to listen was while cleaning during T.V. time. It was the one time during the day when I was alone and could actually hear a podcast.
I would hear all of these stories of how people got out of debt and felt relief. Or how they spoke to John about their life and the horrible hardships they faced and were looking for advice. Many times the theme was the same. Are you happy with your present life? You are worth more and you deserve better. What do you really want to do or who do you want to be? What can you change to give you the life you desire?
I started to become greedy. I wanted more for my life. I wanted to be able to read a book again. I wanted to look around my home and remember what the floor looked like. I wanted to have the time to sit and talk to God and read His word. I wanted to have free time so I could play more with my kids and give them memories of me playing and laughing with them and not just cooking. I wanted to have the money to go on trips and not have to pay for it months afterward. I wanted freedom. Was that too much to ask?
How to Leave the Chaos
In order to have the change we desire, we must stop and do some soul-searching. You need to identify what is happening, understand how you feel about it, decide if you want to change, and work towards the future you desire.
For me to finally leave the chaos and be in a place of peace, I had to do a 5 things.
Let all things be done decently and in order.
I Corinthians 14:40
First, I had to declutter my home. I had so much stuff shoved everywhere in my house, things from when my husband and I were in high school, college, and from when we were first married.
We live next to both families and they are shall we say….generous. My girls were the first grandbabies on one side and the only girl grandchildren on the other side, so the toys and clothes they had were abundant. Not to mention kids get toys everywhere you go now! The dentists give toys, the doctors give books, heck, we went to a gas station once and somebody bought my daughter a unicorn trinket!
I also had a hard time saying no to free things. That free table on the side of the road? Why not! That free giveaway water bottle from the parade? Ah, yes, please! I liked free! My family was raised on cheap stuff and free was our favorite word.
We would also receive a lot from people at our church. They were all so loving and cared so much for the young people there that we were constantly asked if we wanted the things they were getting rid of. Sometimes I was good at saying no, other times I was too frightened. Not at the person, but at the thought of hurting the other person’s feelings.
But at some point, it was too much to bear. If I wanted to spend less time cleaning then I had to have less to clean. I donated and threw away so much stuff while pregnant with my third daughter. I got rid of about half of my children’s toys. I had boxes and boxes of stuff that family had given us because they didn’t want it and now I didn’t want it either. Countless gifts, from well-meaning people, that I had no love for. Goodwill became my best friend.
And throughout the next year, I began to see a change. It didn’t take me a week to clean for a play date anymore. I began to enjoy seeing a room stay clean for more than 10 minutes. It was such a HUGE weight off my shoulders. The less time I spent cleaning, the more time I had for myself and enjoying my family.
I had always thought it was normal for a family to have a ton of kid’s toys and stuff everywhere. But it doesn’t have to be. Many memories of my mother are of her cleaning after us and taking care of our needs, but I would have rather had her to talk to than my toys to play with. Don’t ever feel like a horrible parent because you limit your kid’s toys. As long as you replace the toys with your company, you will never regret it. And neither will your kids.
Second, I had to expect more from my kids. I had to stop listening to the mom guilt and teach my kids how to do things themselves because I was raising little adults, not big kids. Now don’t get me wrong. When they are super young, they need you to do everything. But at some point, they can do more.
They need to learn independence. As kids grow they are always watching and, for the most part, they learn from example. I needed to be the example of who I expected them to be.
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6
No longer would we be a family that yelled at each other. We would talk about it. No longer would mom be at every beck and call. If they had the ability to do it, they can do it. Need water? Take your cup from the table from breakfast and fill it up. If it was Jesus time, they were to play by themselves. Jesus was what mommy needed and now mommy was making time for him. They can put mommy’s needs first sometimes too.
It was rough at first and sometimes we failed but we kept working at it. We still fail many times but I have more freedom now. My kids have learned to play together more and alone at times and they enjoy it! They play longer and more imaginatively with their toys than they ever had before. And while they are having all that fun, I get to do what I desire. I was even able to start a blog. If you had told me two years ago that I would be doing this I would have thought you were crazy.
Third, I had to communicate better with my husband. My husband is an amazing and wonderful man. I love him more than I could ever express through words. But, he does not like to talk about his feelings or his thoughts. If I don’t ask, he doesn’t tell.
With such a quiet man, I constantly felt like I was leading the family. I am a very driven woman. I know what I want and I make it happen. And if my husband wasn’t adding input and was just saying sure to everything I just did what I wanted. But I didn’t want a marriage where I was in charge. I didn’t want to be the leader, nor the head of the family. I wanted to be doing life together. I wanted to be equals and feel like we were going forward together. I wanted to talk about what to do and make those decisions as a couple, not just have him along for the ride.
I came to him one night after a ladies meeting at church and I just started to sob. I told him that I felt like he wasn’t a part of the family. That he was just there and acted as a paycheck. I told him how disconnected I felt from him. Did he want any of these things that we had done? Did he have an opinion about anything? Because if he did, I needed to know what it was! Even if it was that he agreed with me, I needed to hear the words of affirmation. I wanted to know it was US going forward and not ME.
He was shocked, to say the least. He had no idea that I felt this way. He would only say otherwise if he had a differing opinion than me and assumed that I knew he agreed if he didn’t say anything negative. He is still a quiet man but now he knows that I need him to be a part of the discussion. He has gotten much better at voicing his opinion and that has helped me greatly with feeling more connected.
I also began to tell him more when I needed help. I began to ask for help with the kids, with meals, with the house, or even just saying, “Honey I am incredibly tired. Can you watch the kids so I can have a little nap?” He told me that all I needed to do was just ask and he would be there for me. What a moron I was to not have had these conversations years ago. Why did I think that he should just do it for me or notice when I was tired? All I had to do was say, I need help. Please help me.
This became a huge blessing. I no longer felt like a single parent. I had someone to help support me. And it not only helped me but my husband as well. My kids always wanted mommy before and never daddy. Well, now that they had no choice, they began to love daddy and wanted to be with him. This gave me some alone time and made daddy feel wanted and needed. It was a double win.
Fourth, I had to get rid of useless entertainment. I had always thought that relaxing or having downtime meant watching T.V. I was too tired to read and too tired to do a hobby so I wanted to find something where all I did was sit and be entertained. I would typically watch one of my shows if hubby was working nights, or be on my phone looking up nothing important. Or if hubby was home, we would be cuddling together and enjoying a movie.
But once I decided that I wanted to move forward with my life I saw that, for all the things I wanted to do in life, I had to make more time. But what could I cut out? T.V. and phone time were the first to go. Instead of sitting for cuddle time, I put my desk by his desk and we did stuff together. He could be playing online games with his friends while I put stuff on my Etsy store. He could be working together with me on my website while I tried to figure out my blog post.
Or we started doing hobbies together. He bought a 3d printer and started making a ton of cool projects. I began refurbishing vintage furniture for fun. Were we doing the same thing? Not all the time. But we began to talk more, we began to have more things to talk about besides just kids and we were making memories that would last forever.
We don’t know how long we have to live and aimlessly letting time slip away from us will not benefit our life in any way. To be honest, I barely watch T.V. or scroll through my phone or play online games anymore and…I really don’t miss it. I have replaced it with things that bless my soul, like reading and spending more time doing my favorite thing of being close to Jesus.
Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.
James 4:14
Fifth, and most importantly, I had to make God a priority. All the things I mentioned had hurt me both emotionally and physically, but I was empty spiritually too. I would go to church every Sunday but it wasn’t helping. Half the time I was serving there too. Or chasing my kids down the halls or telling them for the tenth time to be quiet and sit in their chair. The chaos would follow me wherever we went. I rarely felt revived from Sunday. I was too tired to hear the message and enjoy it.
Before I had kids I used to do devotions every day. I used to pray for over an hour just because I loved to talk to my Savior. But with kids, it just never happened. There were so many distractions and important things that had to be done now. And although I did listen to Christian podcasts and heard more church sermons, it wasn’t giving me complete peace. I had to do my personal devotions again.
Finding Complete Peace
Although all the areas of my life were improving, it still wasn’t completing the peace I needed to feel. I felt more relaxed and less stressed but I hadn’t gotten to nirvana yet. I was still missing a piece of the puzzle. I needed peace that passed all understanding (Philippians 4:6-7). A peace that calmed me no matter what was happening. And the only place to find that peace was in God’s Word and a constant fellowship with God himself.
The Bible says that:
- Jesus guards our hearts and minds with his peace when we make requests to God.
- When we are part of His spiritual family, He will give us strength and peace (Psalms 29:11).
- Those who love God’s law will have great peace (Psalms 119:165).
- We have peace when we keep our eyes on the Lord and trust in Him (Isaiah 26:3).
- Doing good works will lead to peace (Isaiah 32:17).
- Children taught by the Lord will have peace (Isaiah 54:13).
- Jesus guides us to peace (Luke 1:76-79).
After a hard day of taking care of everyone, I would still feel burnt out and exhausted. But I had learned the key to feeling refreshed in my soul. All I had to do was sit on my couch, turn on my table lamp, sip my hot tea and read my Bible. I would see the thoughts God wanted me to hear. I was seeing the lives God had touched many years past. I was hearing the wisdom that God wanted me to apply to my life.
I was at peace. I could talk to God about all of my frustrations. He would listen to all of my desires. And it was a time I could thank Him for all of my blessings. He would remind me of His purpose for my life. He would renew the motivation I had to keep going in life. He was my solace in the storm. After I was done talking and listening to Him, I felt completely different from when I had started. My life had changed from what it was. I was finally who I wanted to be through Jesus.
What is it that is causing chaos in your life? Do you even know or do you just feel the weight of the storm? What is it that you want? Or who do you want to be? If you are not content where your life is then guess what? You can change that. But make sure you pray about it first. You will need God’s guidance to make the right decisions in your life. You will need to make sure you have the right motivations for the change you desire.
God sometimes places us in hard situations to help teach us and show us a flaw within ourselves. Do some soul-searching. Maybe God has been trying to tell you something.
