HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS USING 3 SIMPLE STEPS

The Drawback of Convenience

Let’s be honest. We live in a pretty fantastic time. Our ancestors would be both terrified and amazed at our current world if they could see it now. We have made such great advancements in machinery, technology, and knowledge that we don’t have to work as hard physically as the countless generations before us.

Up until the 1800s, it was normal to wash clothes in a river or a bucket of water brought from a river. Indoor plumbing, a.k.a. toilets and running water, weren’t common in homes until the 1930s. Their homes and bodies were a lot filthier than ours because they didn’t have the conveniences we have.

Back then if you had a friend or love one move away from you, typically you never saw nor heard from them again. Yes, there were letters but people didn’t always know where to send them. Addresses weren’t as common and people didn’t always move with a plan to settle in a specific place. It wasn’t until the 1870’s that we commonly had phones and until the 1990’s when we gained video calls.

Not to mention all the knowledge you could ever want is right at your fingertips. No longer is reading only for the rich. No longer is the only books and information found in churches, libraries, or universities.

The internet has given everybody the ability to read about whatever they desire to learn. You want a muffin recipe? It’s there. You want to learn how to fix your car? It’s there. You want to see a person give birth? It’s there. You can find literally anything.

And although I love our modern world and I love having the ability to flourish in so many different avenues, (because I have more time, ability, and wealth than those before me) there is a way we have fallen short. We have become so out of touch with everyday relationships that we have forgotten the basics of human nature, which is how to make friends.

Throughout my life, I have seen a trend, a great one for some instances, but one that could hurt people too. It is the trend to be isolated. We don’t have to make relationships or interact with people to survive anymore.

Need food? Pick up or deliver. Need stuff for your house? Order it on Amazon and they’ll ship it to your door. Need money? Have a remote job at home. Want to go to church or college? You can do it online. We have self-checkouts, automated responses, online check-ins and so many ways to never have to interact with a person ever again.

Like I said before it is good for different circumstances or at different times. But it is being abused to the place where people have forgotten how to communicate, they don’t know what to say or do. Many people don’t even make eye contact with others anymore.

I once had a neighbor who would come out of his house, see me and my daughters outside playing in our yard and would turn right around and go back inside until we left. Sure, maybe he was shy or didn’t know what to say or do. But how will you ever get better if you don’t try and practice? Why do you want to change your plans and alter your life because you are afraid?

I am going to give you 3 steps to help you make friends. If you are an anxious person or extremely shy, don’t get overwhelmed. Start small. You can little by little add these principles to your life until one day you wake up and are bolder than you ever thought was possible. You will have gained more friends, become less afraid of strangers, and have confidence in yourself because of your newfound knowledge.

First, Be Old-Fashioned

Before the massive surge of everyone having cell phones and the internet everywhere, people were more connected with the present and the surroundings they were currently in. If you were at the store, you were buying groceries. If you were on a hike, you were exercising and taking solace in nature. You were enjoying the time and the place you were at.

The first way to be old-fashioned is that you must be where the people are. Leave your house! Find local events to go to. Join a class for funsies. You can learn a new skill and talk to new people who are learning as well. Everyone is nervous when they are unfamiliar with something. Going to a class is great because you will be able to hide your nervous energy since the whole room will be filled with it anyway. But that means you will also have to be willing to try new things and go outside your comfort zone.

But you might say, “Can’t I just stay home? People make friends on the internet all the time now. I could play video games and make friends. I could follow a youtube channel and get to know the followers. Those are people too.”

NO!

I will admit that it is great having online friends. It’s super easy too, it’s easier to find common ground and to join in on a conversation instead of starting one. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. But it is so extremely important to have local friends.

People you can physically hug when you’re sad. We need a human’s touch. Someone to have parties with, and engage in long, deep conversations. An interactive person where we can see their facial expressions, and watch them interact with other people.

And yes, you can meet great people and have deep relationships with them online. But just one power outage and that person is unreachable. A war breaks out and your internet is gone, you are alone again. It is imperative to not just have a good friend, but also a friend that is close by.

The Bible says in Proverbs 27:10, “Do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend, nor go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity; Better is a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.”

When you are going through a crisis, you need a person that is by your side. Someone you can run to at a moment’s notice. People far away are limited in their ability to help and connect with you.

The second way is you must be present in your surroundings. That would mean you must put down your phone! One reason we go on our phones is to escape reality. People on their phones have an atmosphere around them that says, “Don’t bother me. I’m busy. I don’t want to talk right now.” They are typically seen as unapproachable.

There are times when I am in the doctor’s office with my kids or riding on a bus and I don’t take out my phone. I just watch the people around me. 9/10 times I am the only one not on my phone. Everyone’s faces are glued to it. They don’t look up, they don’t engage with others. It is near impossible to start a conversation with someone when everyone present is miles away. Sometimes the only thing I can do is look for the next way to make a friend.

Second, Be Friendly

To most people, the ability to make a friend would end there. If someone else doesn’t start the conversation, it’s over. Or if it seems like they don’t want to talk, it might make them angry to try so why bother. Besides why talk to random people you’re probably never going to see again right? Is it really that important to talk to the cashier, the stranger on the shuttle, or the parent at the park?

Here’s the funny thing. You never know who your greatest friends will be or how you will make them. All you can do is be friendly to everyone and see what happens. There are four types of people you will meet while trying to be friendly:

• The Rejector: Some people will reject you and not want to get close. That’s fine. Don’t take it personally. Just let them do their thing and you do yours.
• The Meh: Some people will show interest and talk with you. But it doesn’t really go anywhere. It was just small talk but it at least helped the time to pass by quicker.
• The Maybe’s: Some people will just click with you. You’ll find something of great interest to talk about or you’ll tell each other stories of your life and you might become closer. This type of person might stay friends with you or you might never see them again. Either way, you’ll remember them.
• The Chosen Ones: Some people will be like the one above. The difference with this one is that you both decided you equally liked the interaction you had together and you decide to meet again. You’ll want to be together to talk more. You will take the next step to deepen your friendship and won’t let it dissolve after one encounter.

The last type of person is worth looking for. But you have to get through all the others to find this one.

“A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”

Proverbs 18:24 KJV

I have met so many different types of people during my life. I’ve done stupid things when I’m nervously talking to someone and they’ve rejected me. I’ve tried to start a conversation but it ended after two sentences.

I met a couple one time at a park that I extremely enjoyed talking to. We spent 2 hours talking while all of our kids played! But we never decided to meet again and I haven’t seen them since. I wish that I had taken the initiative to ask for their number or ask if they wanted to get together again sometime. But I didn’t. I missed an opportunity to make great friends.

But there have been other people that became lifelong friends. People that I have met at my church, people that have helped me to get through my troubles or get clarity in my decisions. And it all started because I was friendly.

But how do we be friendly?

First, you need to smile. It doesn’t have to be a massive, cheesy grin. Just a small smile will do. It shows that you are kind. and approachable. Next, don’t be so afraid. Have a friendly and welcoming aura. People can sense fear. The worst that can happen is they’ll not want to talk to you. They aren’t going to kill you…hopefully.

You should also be willing to be vulnerable. People might ask you questions that are hurtful or have a traumatic story behind them. Don’t be so offended or sensitive. They don’t know your life and most of the time they are just trying to be friendly back. Be willing to talk about yourself. Maybe the person you’re talking to needs to hear your story. Maybe this conversation won’t just help you, but will also help them.

Friendliness might not just be through words but also through actions. Maybe you could use some help with reaching the salad dressing at the top of the aisle. I’ve had to ask people many times for help (not ones that work there because they are nowhere to be found). Short people problems, ya know.

Maybe you need someone to hold your newborn baby so you can help your child get down from a tree. People are typically very kind and willing to help. They just need to be asked.

And if you are truly paying attention to your surroundings then you will be attentive to anyone else that needs help. For an elderly couple that needs a seat on the subway, you can give them yours. A child without a parent who needs someone to keep them safe, you can take them to a person that can help.

One time when my husband and I walked out of a department store I noticed a woman crying on the sidewalk. It was the middle of winter, 20 degrees, and snow outside. At first, I walked away and didn’t think too much about it. We had our first child at the time and she was quite the handful. I had my own problems to take care of.

But something made me stop when we got to the car and I looked back at her. This time I looked intently. She wasn’t wearing any gloves. Her poor hands must be cold. She was wearing high heels. That can’t be comfortable to be standing for long. Why was she alone?

I told my husband I’d be right back. I walked back to the woman, who was still crying and all I said was, “Ma’am. Are you alright?”

She looked at me and her entire story came out. A friend was supposed to pick her up but she’d been waiting for an hour already. She lived a good 20 minutes away so she couldn’t walk in the snow. She didn’t know what to do. She was worried, helpless, and in need of a friend.

I don’t remember everything she said but I saw someone that needed help. I could either say empty words or I could be a friend. I handed her my mittens and went to talk to my husband about giving her a ride. Thankfully, while I was gone her friend called and said she would be right there.

In the end, she didn’t need our help. But she was very thankful to me for stopping and noticing her. The knowledge that she wasn’t alone and that someone could help caused her anxiety to disappear and her feeling of isolation to leave.

We did not become friends but it gave me satisfaction knowing that I tried to help someone. I was able to relieve some of the fear she was going through just by talking to her. This leads me to the third and final way to make friends.

Third, Be Curious

As I mentioned in my story I looked intently and intentionally at the woman. Sometimes it helps to converse with people by choosing a specific person to talk to. Look at the people around you. What they have or are doing might help you start a conversation.

Look at their clothes or their accessories. Do you like them or recognize them? Talk to that person. Maybe you like the music they’re listening to. Maybe the movie they’re watching is something you watch too. Maybe you are intrigued by the story behind something that you see. Show your interest in them by asking questions. Questions lead to a deeper relationship than just small talk. Questions can keep a conversation going forever.

It’s amazing how many people talk to you once you have kids. Truly, anyone who has ever been a parent loves to share their stories or talk to you about how darling your children are. I have gotten to know many people just by watching my kids interact with their kids in a park. Finding a common ground is a great start. But also being intrigued and curious about things you don’t know will broaden your horizons. This in turn will give you an increased amount of topics and knowledge that can help you converse with more people.

In Conclusion

Making friends is not easy and it doesn’t come naturally to us. It takes skill and practice. If someone is good at making friends then their parents probably lead by example or they have a personality where their strength is making friends.

The good news is that anyone can learn the skills of making lasting friendships. If you are willing to put yourself out there and be uncomfortable temporarily then your skills will grow. It will become easier. Someday it might even be enjoyable and you do it without thinking.

As a Christian, it is crucial to be able to make friends. If you can’t talk to people, how are you going to tell them about Jesus? If you don’t know how to start and hold a conversation, then how are you going to disciple others?

These are core fundamentals of Christianity and we need these skills to grow in our faith.

I would encourage you to try these steps. Make yourself more bold and confident in the area of how to make friends by practicing.

Be old-fashioned, be friendly, and be curious.

Christ was the perfect example. He would go to the towns and speak directly to the people. He would stop his busy schedule and listen and talk to those he met. He would ask questions and answer any question they had. He gave of himself to bless others.

Will you continue to live in fear? Or will you find boldness in your faith, knowing that Christ is right there during the journey?